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Sunday 1 March 2015

A new way to look

Ever since i left my high school and started with my college, my so called "balls' have retreated back to where it came from. All this long i have been wishing, only if i could say "no" to stuff i didn't like and not worry about what people would think about me. You see, it is easy for some people to just do what they want and i am not one of them. Every time i say no to something, this "self consciousness" of mine kicks in and starts bashing me for doing what i did. It doesn't have to be a big thing, for an example, saying no to a football game during exam time, i mean i know its a genuine reason yet i end up putting myself in a position where i feel guilty for saying 'NO". 

Its been almost 5 years i have been having this problems and some call me depressed while others call me loner. I don't know what is wrong with me or if there is any thing wrong at all but i have learnt from it and this piece of article is an effort to tell what i learnt in the hopes that it would help those having same problems. 

My high school principal once said something during our assembly and it goes like this "it is possible to make every one happy some time, it is possible to make some one happy all the time, but it is impossible to make everyone happy all the time" and it has been there in my head the whole time. I was too little to understand the weight of his words, but now i feel, that might have been the single most important thing that i needed to know in order to be myself.

Do you remember when your parents used to tell you " be yourself" but you had no idea what it meant?? well basically what i learnt is, the only way to solve this problem is by being myself and doing what i wanted to do caring less about what people think about me. i don't want to discourage but i don't want to give a false impression either. So trust me it is lot easier said than done.  

I know, knowing something is one thing and realizing the same thing is a another thing, but i feel like i have figured out the way and all i need now is a to walk that way till the end of it. It is not going to be easy to do what i want and not to care about what people think about it, but i would rather choose to be the most hated guy than to go back to where i was 5 years ago. 

I hope this article was of some help and please do comment if you have figured out something better to fight what it is. 

Wednesday 2 July 2014

love or a Business proposal.

I have been told there were times when  meeting your soulmate were as easy as eating a pie. A typical love story would start with the guy approaching a girl, explaining how he saw her and felt instant connection. As simple as that. Does that kind of story still happen in this world or are they just left there to be told as a story??

Here is the modern version of the same story. Guy meets girl, guy flirts with the girl. Girl adds him on facebook and before the poor guy even gets to show his charm he is already being judged by thousands of people from all around the world. Call me old fashion but do you not see how ridiculous relationship has become? I mean, sure we are "modernized" and things have changed, but is the change heading us towards a better civilization or towards a civilization where relation is just a business proposal? 

Now imagine a guy like myself, with anxiety and self esteem issues , do you think i will be capable of finding my soulmate in this world driven by social media? and even if i did, do you think she will bear long enough for me to get pass my issues and show her group my true self? Do i even have a shot at true love?

What is true love? Does loving a person, just because they were approved by some random people from your social group, a real love? especially considering you don't know half of the people in it. I mean is that what love is? If it is, then i don't see any difference between a guy seeking for love and a guy pitching his business proposal to his client, after all the only thing that matters is how impressed the client is, be it your business client or the girl you love. Is getting approval from the people you don't even know so important that you let them judge who you are going to live your life with? 

Ever since i can remember, i have been fed with this idea of  love but yet no one has come close enough to explain me exactly what love means. So i came up with my own explaination. love is putting your heart out and hoping for the best. I consider being in love as a privilege that only some of us get to have. Gentleman character is no more enough to impress a girl and a bouquet of red roses aren't enough to express your love. People want to know more, they want to know what you do for living and how much do you earn and if thats not bad enough they wanna know which god do you pray to.  

Sure love at first sight would be awesome but life is not a movie and there is no pre written script of life. Just a decades ago computer, telephone and internet were rare thing to see, in fact most of us had not even seen or heard about it until 20th century. Now even a kid in preschool owns it. In just few decades we have taken ourselves from land to sea and air. We have evolved and so did love i guess. Love is no more the only factor that governs our life anymore. Time has changed and alone with it dragged the people . May be love is a business proposal after all  and i am just being naive.

Wednesday 12 February 2014

Inside me

Nobody knows the real me,
Nobody knows the inside of me.
I crave for attention,
I hunger for love.
I try to keep people happy,
I try and look happy.
But nobody knows the real me,
Nobody knows the inside of me.
They think i  am crazy,
They think i am lazy but
Nobody know what happens,
Inside that locked door of my room.
Dreams seems more painful then reality,
living seems more painful then death.
Crying seems more helpful then smiling
Night seems more lovable then day,
For nobody knows the real me,
Nobody knows the inside of me.  
I am a lonely soul trapped within,
Trying to fly free like the wind.
The day the soul breaks free,
The day when the locked doors open,
They shall remember me for then
Everybody will know the real me
Everybody will know the inside of me.

Monday 6 May 2013


The sun on its way towards other  half of the world, just over the horizon giving its last bit of shine, Sky dusky and colorful and day so fine even night that followed seemed bright. That is how i imagine it must have been the day you were born.

May 7th the day you started your journey, The day you cried for the first time, the day you breath in the first air, the day you opened your eyes the first time, the day you got your glimpse of this world the first time and the day you started living your life for the first time and the day you showed that you decided your journey, your  fight and your life toward future.

This day 21 years ago was the day when the first seed of love and care were sown in your heart.. The very foundation of your personality was built and the very first spark of your struggle was made. 

It is because of that day you are who you are and how you are and trust me you are just perfect the way you are. Had this day not been there, 21 years ago, we would have never found each other and i would have never got this opportunity to know someone like you. 


Thursday 22 March 2012

Life in College

When i was in high school i always wondered how my life would be when i was in college. I would often imagine myself as a college student and try and feel how it felt but it never felt right. I heard my friends describing it as the best and most enjoyable days of their life but i also heard them talking about being bullied. On top of that, there is always the television showing teens in college have fun doing whatever they want. Every time i saw one of those episode i would just lie down and think about how i would like my college life to be.

Waking up at 9 getting dressed in jeans with a shirt, carrying bottle of water and putting on my slippers. Once in the college walking to canteen taking my breakfast with all my high school friends. Playing guitar in college and singing with my friends as though we were in a studio rather then a college canteen and of course classes taken by teachers who were rather like a friend then teacher in high school. Those were the things i imagined and expected whenever i though of my college life.

Finally the day came and I was don with my high school. I said good bye to my school. A month later i joined my college Osmani medical college in Bangladesh. I was welcomed by my seniors with arms wide open. I sure felt at that moment i was going to have so much fun as a college student. Then the college days started and slowly classes started. Day by day the pressure started increasing and books started piling up. I started staying late till 12 and waking up as early at 6. It was fine i was having fun.

A week later normal viva exams or as it is called here a "item" started. That is  when i knew college life was no fun. Every single day there was this pressure of completing the item on time and getting pass mark. I waited for weekend to come not because we were going out on week ends, it was because i would get an extra day to complete whatever were left behind. A month passed and still i was stuck with the books.

I never went to town more then once a month not because i was really busy and had no time. I sure had time but when i had time my seniors were busy and their busy and my busy is at different lever. Their busy would be like no time to talk and my its more like time to take but no time to waste. Time passed by and it was already a year and a half since i was there. 1st professional examination time or as we describe it here as "The never ending exam". I had never in my life though an exam would last for more then a month and still continued for another 2 month.I didn't had papers every day but the pressure of exam, the worst pressure ever and i took that pressure for more then 3 months. I had to actually take some medication (of course self prescribed) just to sleep at night because of anxiety. After a long months of exam it finally ended and i swear when it ended it felt so good. I can hardly explain how it feels. It was like being out of a cage or a prison and free of everything. It was like having a orgasm it felt that good.

Once the exam ended i though the worst part was over but no it had only started. Now i am in 3rd year and my college life sucks ever more. I wake up at 6:30am and run to attend my lecture without washing my face or brushing at 7am. Once we are done with an hour long lecture and when i say an hr it actually feels a lot longer when you are hungry and in half sleep,i go to canteen and eat my breakfast. I have to finish the breakfast within 5 mins because at 8 we have another lecture. At 9 we go for ward classes, see some patient and listen to what the teachers has to teach and do those things while we are standing in nutshell we stand for almost 2 hrs. Then after that a lecture and a tutorial class. With that ends the college time but the day is far from getting end.

Once we are in room we talk for a while mostly study related and hardly other things, then sleep for a while and back to studies. Once a week we go out to eat and try to have fun but no matter how hard we try our sub conscious mind always tries to remind us how much studies you have to do once you are back to your room.

Waking at 9, having fun at college and going for sight seeing has become like a mission impossible to us. The fun we have comes from watching movies and series which are also by the way all medical related ( house, grays anatomy and ER). Thinking of it rite now my life was way better when i was at high school and screw you those who said life at college is going to be fun.

Anyways that is how my life is in college. Its not all dark we sure do have fun sometimes but its all erased away by the stuff i do in every day of my life. All and all thats how life in college is like it or not.

Thursday 24 November 2011

A time in life.....

There comes a time when you just want to leave everything and be alone. A time when you cant think of anything. A time when breathing seems much more tougher then dying, A time when you feel you are the cursed one. A time when you find your self standing alone in a cold winter and nowhere else to go.

When that time comes i want you to remember this that you are not the only one. There are people in this world who are not sure if they will survive to see the next day or not and people who are not sure if they will take another breath or not. There are babies who were thrown by the very mother who gave them birth and left alone to survive in this harsh world. There are people who are not sure if they will have anything to eat in the evening if they had eaten something in the morning. There are people who are going through worst then what you are going through.

You had a great childhood where as there are kids who had to work their ass off just to make enough money to survive. There are kids whose hands were cut off so that they could earn more money begging through sympathy. There are kids who had to sleep with strangers even before knowing what it ment not because they wanted but because they had no one to take care of them. There are kids whose parents left them to die in the streets. No matter what they had to do they still managed to survive. They survived because they were strong and they believed that things are going to change.

You think you are being punished by god but think of those who don't have a shelter to save them from cold winter and those who have nothing to eat and have to stay hungry for days. Think of those who are fighting for just a seep of water and think of those who have no hands to do work. Think of those babies who are born with disabilities, what did they do to be born like that??, yet they are born with disabilities because that is how it was suppose to be and we can do nothing but accept that fact and live with it.

When life takes somethings from you it always gives you other things. You can't say you are being punished just because something bad has happened to you now. You had great childhood where you could enjoy every moment. You had great parents who guided you and made you are good human. Only some of us gets to have such childhood. Life is never fair to you, me or anyone, thats just how it works. We cant blame anyone for that nor can we fight back. BUTTTTTTTTTTT what we can do is stand up to it. Life takes something from you so still got others things with you and you should be happy with that for there are some who have none.

So whenever you find yourself stuck in the time of loneliness think of those who have no choice then to live with it for you can still get out of it.

Saturday 27 November 2010

Good Morning

Classes resumed after the holidays. Felt good to be back to college but the exams are really nearing. Within a month there are lots of exams. Its getting tougher and tougher. I dont know if i can handle the pressure or not. I woke up at 2am today because i had to complete something.
Cant believe even after all this time i still miss my mom and dad. Mom calls me almost every day and dad. She sometimes starts crying which makes more difficult for me. I have never been a mile away from my home and now all of a sudden i am here so far away from home in a completely different world. We try and act we are good but the fact is everybody here they are  not ok. I stay with my seniors in a apartment, and we do what ever we can to make every single day to be fun but with all this pressure of studies its all the same. Now a days i have even started dreaming of my books hahahahah funny na.
Anyways all my exams scheduled for this week is postponed which is good for me because i was not at all prepared hahahah